icecoveredheart (icecoveredheart) wrote,
icecoveredheart
icecoveredheart

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One in a Million

It's been a little over two years since my last post here. A lot has happened in these two years. I graduated college, went back home, and started working.

I did the things I used to laugh at my friends and others for doing; I fell in love and became stupid. I was never the kind of girl to fall for guys and have crushes for movie stars, singers, or guys around me, even as a teenager. I didn't have feelings for anyone until I met him late 2013.

I had always thought that my chances of meeting someone who would like and accept me as I am are like one in a million. I'm not your average girl, particularly in my community. I have many seemingly contradictory behaviors, even some that have nothing to do with my having bipolar disorder. There aren't a lot of people out there who could or would deal with someone like me. And even if there was someone like that, I may not like him back, so the chances are definitely low. But then I met him.

I tried to fight it so hard on several levels. I could tell he liked me, but I couldn't believe it, so I fought it. We were of different educational levels, his major is considered to not be on equal levels with mine. He went to the best secondary school in the country, which students usually end up in Med school, such as my own elder brother. But he didn't go to Med school or so. Once I mentioned it in front of my brother, but not as the guy I was interested in, just as a colleague. My brother's reaction was laughing sarcastically and saying that there were some idiots too at the school.

He wasn't an idiot at all. He was very intelligent and bright. My brother also had problems with my sister's now husband at first. He was studying electrical engineering while she was studying civil engineering, so there was no educational level difference, but he was from a different city that's compared to the capital we're from is considered intellectually lower. He hadn't met him yet at the time, but later on, he met my now brother in law and changed his mind about him. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I was afraid my family would oppose us because of that. But then I decided that no matter what, I'll stand by him because I don't believe that's a good reason to oppose reject someone.

But then I fought the idea still because I still couldn't believe he liked me even though I made sure to mention my illness and he was greatly understanding and supportive. When I was depressed, he even told me that depression looked nice on me. Who says something like that?! But soon after I got my first shock.

I wasn't sure of his age exactly, but he looked like he was in his early 30s. So, about 10 years older than myself. I like that age for a guy as I find him mature while I find guys my age a bit childish still. But I found out later that I was born on the day he had turned 18, so there was an exact 18 years age gap since we shared the same birthday. When I knew that, my heart sank and I kept pondering for days and decided that it was too much. He's athletic and definitely looks 10 years younger that everyone is always shocked to know his real age, but still, I believed that to be too much to accept. Hence, I started friend-zoning him.

After a few days, I realized that I really really liked him so much that I didn't care about the age thing. My mom whom I had told about him was also surprisingly of the same opinion. So, I stopped blocking every not-so-friends-like comment he made. I just didn't care for those things anymore. I knew my dad and siblings would go nuts if they knew about that, but, again, I decided to stand my ground and try to convince them no matter what.

Now when I think about those things I worried about at first, I can't help but laugh at myself, bitterly so. What an idiot I was worrying about such little things when in reality we could never be together...

He finally told me his feelings; he told me that regardless of what I thought, he really liked me. And I told him that I did too. Although we worked together, we couldn't talk much at work. He would make up some excuses to come to my office, but we couldn't actually talk freely. Most of our conversations, including the confession, went on via chatting apps. We argued often and I blamed it on not talking in person or even over the phone. He said he hated talking over the phone because of all the work calls he got. But maybe that was really because he didn't wanna talk over the phone so his wife wouldn't hear him...

Yes, the biggest shock of all; the one that can't be ignored was that he was married. He thought I knew. I had ignored the signs that he was married just like he ignored the signs that I didn't seem to know. I had to end my first love. He didn't see the problem with it, but I was furious at him for making me love him when he knew he wasn't available. Later after I calmed a bit, I asked him that we try to be friends, but he said that he couldn't see me as just a friend. So eventually, we stopped talking completely. Well, until about a month later when he sent me a msg asking how I've been and so. We started talking then and I thought we could be friends this time. I just didn't want him out of my life entirely. I was naive to think we could be friends. Soon we found ourselves dragged into the same old path. I was going out of my mind. I couldn't imagine my life without him anymore and there was absolutely no solution, no way for us to be together. So, I did the thing I always laughed at those who do it; I tried to kill myself for a guy.

After I left the hospital, we were on another roller coaster until we eventually started to kinda succeed at acting as friends only. But the fact was that we were much more than friends and the act couldn't last for long; therefore, we stopped talking to each other for real this time, not even a quick hi when we pass each other by at work.

It hurt so much, but that was for the best. It's the right thing to do by myself, him, and his family. But it still hurts so much and I still miss him so freaking much that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I love him with all my heart. When I first found out about his marriage, I was glad that at least we hadn't known each other long enough yet that I would fall in love with him, but I was glad too fast. Although we left each other, my feelings for him kept growing and growing and I got head over heels in love with him. He also said that his feelings for me grew stronger. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if he really loved me, or was I just a midlife crisis and an easy target. I tried to tell myself that he was just deceiving me clearly, I tried to make myself hate him, but I couldn't. When I remember the way he looked at me, the way he smiled at me, the way he held me so tightly, or the way he was trying to hold his rage and worry after my suicide attempt, when I remember all of that, I'm convinced he couldn't have faked it, he really had feelings for me.

It's been almost 3 months since we stopped talking outside of our very brief and infrequent work matters. But I have been thinking about him almost every second since the day I've gotten to know him. It's been so hard holding myself back from contacting him. We have both failed at this before. I'm kinda writing this in order to not talk to him because that's what I really want to do right now. I miss him so much that I feel like doing absolutely nothing other than talk to him. I feel like dying, but I had promised him that I wouldn't try to kill myself again, so I'm not going to although I really want to die right this second. My friends tell me that I'll find someone else, but since he was my one in a million, my chances of finding someone else are like one in two millions minus one. He being the one.

I love you and I miss you, my sweet evil angel!
Tags: affair, bipolar, depression, first love, heart-break, suicide
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