(no subject)

All they care about is that I'm still breathing, that I haven't killed myself. Well, I'm still breathing but you have killed me and you keep on killing me over and over again.

One in a Million

It's been a little over two years since my last post here. A lot has happened in these two years. I graduated college, went back home, and started working.

I did the things I used to laugh at my friends and others for doing; I fell in love and became stupid. I was never the kind of girl to fall for guys and have crushes for movie stars, singers, or guys around me, even as a teenager. I didn't have feelings for anyone until I met him late 2013.

I had always thought that my chances of meeting someone who would like and accept me as I am are like one in a million. I'm not your average girl, particularly in my community. I have many seemingly contradictory behaviors, even some that have nothing to do with my having bipolar disorder. There aren't a lot of people out there who could or would deal with someone like me. And even if there was someone like that, I may not like him back, so the chances are definitely low. But then I met him.

I tried to fight it so hard on several levels. I could tell he liked me, but I couldn't believe it, so I fought it. We were of different educational levels, his major is considered to not be on equal levels with mine. He went to the best secondary school in the country, which students usually end up in Med school, such as my own elder brother. But he didn't go to Med school or so. Once I mentioned it in front of my brother, but not as the guy I was interested in, just as a colleague. My brother's reaction was laughing sarcastically and saying that there were some idiots too at the school.

He wasn't an idiot at all. He was very intelligent and bright. My brother also had problems with my sister's now husband at first. He was studying electrical engineering while she was studying civil engineering, so there was no educational level difference, but he was from a different city that's compared to the capital we're from is considered intellectually lower. He hadn't met him yet at the time, but later on, he met my now brother in law and changed his mind about him. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I was afraid my family would oppose us because of that. But then I decided that no matter what, I'll stand by him because I don't believe that's a good reason to oppose reject someone.

But then I fought the idea still because I still couldn't believe he liked me even though I made sure to mention my illness and he was greatly understanding and supportive. When I was depressed, he even told me that depression looked nice on me. Who says something like that?! But soon after I got my first shock.

I wasn't sure of his age exactly, but he looked like he was in his early 30s. So, about 10 years older than myself. I like that age for a guy as I find him mature while I find guys my age a bit childish still. But I found out later that I was born on the day he had turned 18, so there was an exact 18 years age gap since we shared the same birthday. When I knew that, my heart sank and I kept pondering for days and decided that it was too much. He's athletic and definitely looks 10 years younger that everyone is always shocked to know his real age, but still, I believed that to be too much to accept. Hence, I started friend-zoning him.

After a few days, I realized that I really really liked him so much that I didn't care about the age thing. My mom whom I had told about him was also surprisingly of the same opinion. So, I stopped blocking every not-so-friends-like comment he made. I just didn't care for those things anymore. I knew my dad and siblings would go nuts if they knew about that, but, again, I decided to stand my ground and try to convince them no matter what.

Now when I think about those things I worried about at first, I can't help but laugh at myself, bitterly so. What an idiot I was worrying about such little things when in reality we could never be together...

He finally told me his feelings; he told me that regardless of what I thought, he really liked me. And I told him that I did too. Although we worked together, we couldn't talk much at work. He would make up some excuses to come to my office, but we couldn't actually talk freely. Most of our conversations, including the confession, went on via chatting apps. We argued often and I blamed it on not talking in person or even over the phone. He said he hated talking over the phone because of all the work calls he got. But maybe that was really because he didn't wanna talk over the phone so his wife wouldn't hear him...

Yes, the biggest shock of all; the one that can't be ignored was that he was married. He thought I knew. I had ignored the signs that he was married just like he ignored the signs that I didn't seem to know. I had to end my first love. He didn't see the problem with it, but I was furious at him for making me love him when he knew he wasn't available. Later after I calmed a bit, I asked him that we try to be friends, but he said that he couldn't see me as just a friend. So eventually, we stopped talking completely. Well, until about a month later when he sent me a msg asking how I've been and so. We started talking then and I thought we could be friends this time. I just didn't want him out of my life entirely. I was naive to think we could be friends. Soon we found ourselves dragged into the same old path. I was going out of my mind. I couldn't imagine my life without him anymore and there was absolutely no solution, no way for us to be together. So, I did the thing I always laughed at those who do it; I tried to kill myself for a guy.

After I left the hospital, we were on another roller coaster until we eventually started to kinda succeed at acting as friends only. But the fact was that we were much more than friends and the act couldn't last for long; therefore, we stopped talking to each other for real this time, not even a quick hi when we pass each other by at work.

It hurt so much, but that was for the best. It's the right thing to do by myself, him, and his family. But it still hurts so much and I still miss him so freaking much that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I love him with all my heart. When I first found out about his marriage, I was glad that at least we hadn't known each other long enough yet that I would fall in love with him, but I was glad too fast. Although we left each other, my feelings for him kept growing and growing and I got head over heels in love with him. He also said that his feelings for me grew stronger. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if he really loved me, or was I just a midlife crisis and an easy target. I tried to tell myself that he was just deceiving me clearly, I tried to make myself hate him, but I couldn't. When I remember the way he looked at me, the way he smiled at me, the way he held me so tightly, or the way he was trying to hold his rage and worry after my suicide attempt, when I remember all of that, I'm convinced he couldn't have faked it, he really had feelings for me.

It's been almost 3 months since we stopped talking outside of our very brief and infrequent work matters. But I have been thinking about him almost every second since the day I've gotten to know him. It's been so hard holding myself back from contacting him. We have both failed at this before. I'm kinda writing this in order to not talk to him because that's what I really want to do right now. I miss him so much that I feel like doing absolutely nothing other than talk to him. I feel like dying, but I had promised him that I wouldn't try to kill myself again, so I'm not going to although I really want to die right this second. My friends tell me that I'll find someone else, but since he was my one in a million, my chances of finding someone else are like one in two millions minus one. He being the one.

I love you and I miss you, my sweet evil angel!

Kinda trying to start..

I don't write here often because I'm not sure what to write about but now I just feel like writing though I don't know what to write about yet. I guess I find it hard to really start because if I were to write something about my life, then where should I start?! Whichever point of my life I choose to be the beginning, if I choose today to write about, it's gonna be vague because there's more than 21 years of events before that by leading from one to the other, finally led to today.

I'm a pretty detailed person and always feel like I can't skip anything in order to get the picture accurately; hence I was some people's favorite for when they miss an episode of a show they like because I could recite every single scene with practically the exact dialougues and explain the expressions on the actors' faces and their body language. Some of course, so hated that because they don't care about the details and would only want the summary instead of an explanation that takes longer than the actual show or movie. But I just don't know how to summarize things. I can't decide that one thing is less important than the other.

Last night I was watching an episode of Shin Doumoto Kyoudai from 2008 with script writer and director, Mitani Kouki, and they were discussing how some people talk or get distracted by something while watching a movie and Fukada Kyouko said that she often did that. He and Koichi both got mad at her and Mitani said something like, "Do you know how much trouble we script writers go through to write it?!" They told her how that one scene or word that she missed because she was distracted was important. That's kinda how I feel.

Well, I guess somehow I did start writing something here :)
I just went with the flow of the keys on the keyboard and I managed to say that I'm detailed, 21 years old and that I watch Japanese shows. I guess that's not bad for a start and I guess I say "I guess" way too much. :P

Befriending Fame?!!

Fame, something a lot of people aspire to get and many more look up to those who have it. With the help of the Internet, the hundreds and thousands of channels that need to be filled with all kinds of programs and all the other media outlets, there's a very good chance that you know someone who is famous in one are or another or you are so yourself.

The first time I crossed paths with fame was probably when I was 3 years old in kindergarten as I saw this actor who had a hit tv show back then in which he had played the role of a mafia leader of some sort. At 3 years of age and seeing the scary guy from TV, I guess it was kinda expected that I would scream. My scream was loud enough to catch his attention and everyone else's at the parking lot. My older sister was probably a bit embarrassed and she tried to calm me down and explain to me that it wasn't real. He was just there to pick up his kid from school.

Since then, I saw him a lot more as well as a lot of other famous actors, TV hosts, politicians, etc. My family is a simple ordinary family. My dad ran his own small business while my mom stayed home. Just like any parents, they tried to get me and my siblings into the best schools and that had a great impact on my life and my personality for sure and it also let me meet all those famous people since they chose the best schools for their kids too. I used to think that it was so "cool" and it was even cooler when at the age of 16, I went "international", so to say, as a famous European band posted a blog about me on their Myspace after I had sent them a message, especially that I hadn't been expecting it at all. It was the first time that I ever try to initiate anything with someone famous without any reason. A couple of months after that, I traveled and met with more famous people in other areas. During that trip, a lot has happened to me that had its effect on me personality-wise.

After I got back home oneday and as I was flipping the channels when a music video caught my attention for some reason so I stopped to watch it. I should probably mention that I hate watching music videos on TV unless I already knew the song or at least the singer or the band, so I never do usually. I didn't know the band, but something got me interested enough to look them up and in a few days I managed to get their personal email and IM accounts which surprised them a lot, but not as much as the amount of information I had about them did. I didn't think I'd be IMing them more than a couple of times really, but to my surprise, we kept on talking for hours every day or two, especially with the one that I didn't like at first and didn't even wanna talk to because he struck me as arrogant and a jerk when I'd first looked them up. However, since the very first day I talked to him, and though I was kinda rude to him, he proved to be one of the nicest people I've ever dealt with and he kept on proving it more and more each day. I started trusting him and another one of his band mates like I'd never trusted anyone before. It probably helped at first that we weren't talking face to face and it was just over the Internet because even after we got each other's numbers, we didn't call unless something was urgent, especially that it was an expensive international call. He became like an older brother I can trust and lean on and I started calling him big bro and he started calling me sis. It was fun hearing one of my classmates tell me she had a crush on one of the band members or another telling me a rumor that I knew was not true and then laughing about it with the guys later. I used to tell him that I didn't think we'd ever meet but he was sure that we would and he was right. Someday, out of the blue, I got a chance to go to the country where the band was out of all the countries in the world. Long story short; I got there eventually and the first thing I did was go pay him a surprise visit. I called him from down the street and as surprised he was, he told me he was coming to get me because I wasn't sure which was his place exactly. I was nervous of course because I was finally meeting the guy I considered my non-biological brother and trusted more than my real brothers. His band mate was staying with him temporarily and he had no idea that I was coming, so he decied to leave it a surprise and not tell him that he was going out to get me and let me shock him to death when we got back.

They were getting ready to go to some album launching event, but since I got there, they made a couple of calls, changed their clothes and decided to take me out to dinner and a movie after instead. Since then they grew even bigger in my eyes and they and their family and friends embraced me like I was one of them. They looked out for me and were there for me even when they went out of the country for a concert or something. But even when I was far away from them, I had learned that it wasn't so cool anymore to know famous people and as I suddenly appeared on the scene as a person who seemed so close to them that their own vocals coach thought I was actually the guy's sister and they mentioned me in an interview, I started wishing that they weren't famous at all. Yeah, I got to go to cool parties and meet a lot of people and got my photos published among the celebrity photos in magazines, but I learned that this little fun that I'd get from their being famous wasn't worth the costs. I still think that they are the most amazing people I've ever come across that I'd nominate them for the Nobel Prize in Peace, but I realize now that these people's lives are complicated that a friendship with them can be very complicated as anything can be interpreted differently, for example, and a simple friends prank would look like a bad publicity, not to mention the weird stalkers that I got and the peopel that snoop on my Facebook profile or try to get to know me to get to the band or know stuff about them.

Six months ago on one of the worst days of my life so far, I made a huge mistake towards him and hurt him like I never wished to do. It was a big mistake on its own, but his fame was among the factors that made it worse. I can never forget the disappointed and hurt look in his eyes that day just like I can still hear the shock in his voice when he implicitly mentioned what had happened in a radio interview a couple of days later. No one could know what he really meant, but I knew. He asked me to give him time to get over it and forget, especially that he's swamped with a lot right now which makes me wish even more that they weren't famous. We used to talk everyday whether over the phone or on the Internet and he would check up on me in case I needed anything and apologize for not being able to see me much though we used to see each other every few days or couple of weeks or so. I haven't seen him since that day 6 months ago though we talked over the phone several times because he's still the one person that wouldn't let me down when I need the slightest thing even if he was still upset with me or at least couldn't trust me like before. I've seen his band mate who'd been out of the country for months and got back for a few days. He called me up to meet just a few hours before his flight to talk about what happened and he promised me that things will be back to normal eventually.

July 13th is his birthday. I texted him at midnight to wish him a happy birthday. Before things went south, I was planning on something major for his birthday to show him my gratitude for everything he'd done for me, but no point of that anymore when I can't see him. He replied thanking me in a text and wishing me the best, but I couldn't wash away the feeling that something was wrong all day long like I wasn't where I'm supposed to be, I should have been with him celebrating this day and with all the other friends. I wanted to call him or his band mate or his sister, but I know things have changed now and I should give him his time and space even though I miss them so much and need them now more than ever. I've lost the only people that I ever trusted. I just know that I hate this uneasy feeling I had all day that made me wish for the day to be over quickly and I tried to just sleep through it. I wish they weren't famous because a lot of things would've been easier, but then again, I wouldn't have known them if they weren't and I wouldn't trade my memories with them for the world. But I think I'm done with famous people, I don't wanna know anymore of them. Fame isn't worth it.